my father died Wednesday morning because of heart attack. he was 58.
mommy told me about it only Wednesday night. i didn't cry. i instead, i bombarded mommy (who was teary-eyed still) with questions - what happened? why didn't she tell me right away? what's the arrangement for wake and burial? etc. etc.
we were caught off-guard - no premonitions or what. i asked mommy if she felt any prior to father's death, she said she felt sickly and she woke up around 3am of Wednesday not knowing why - that's just that.
middle bro said he didn't also feel any.
youngest bro said nothing.
i didn't feel any - that Wednesday i was busy with a coverage and an interview.
mommy said maybe father wanted it that way - maybe father just wanted us not to worry or what.
he had diabetes and spent about the last 10 years mostly in his fish farm in Quezon. it was only mommy who regularly sees him on a monthly basis as she was helping him sealing contracts on surveying properties. he only communicated with us - i mean with my mommy and middle bro, through mobile phone. the last time i saw him was three years ago, when he spent about a week with us.
the guilty pang though was that, mommy had to remind us - me and my siblings - to forgive our father for whatever his mistakes were.
and that mommy pointed out that my father wanted to speak with me on my 25th birthday, but i didn't speak with him - i never thought that was my last chance.
had to text what happened - just to let it out. condolences came from bosses, mentors, officemates, friends. i asked prayers for my father, since i'm not sure if my prayers are enough, what with what i'm feeling right now - blank.
mommy said we forgive father and that we asked forgiveness also from him. on my part, now, i just only wish that my father is now with the Lord.
on Tuesday next week, he will be buried in his province - in Quezon - where he spent most of his life, either due to work (he was a surveyor/geodetic engineer) or simply away from us as he maybe tried to find himself.
me and my youngest brother will not be in his burial - mommy said youngest bro is afraid to see father that way. youngest bro was just quiet the night we learned about our father's death. he's OK, i guess, but whenever i asked him if he's joining mommy and middle bro, he just kept quiet - just quiet until i get tired of asking him.
i, i never thought i could be so hard-headed until now - now that he's no longer with us. mommy never forced me though to join her and middle bro in attending father's burial, she only just asked me to offer Mass for him. which i will do.
i said i didn't cry - in front of my family, yes. but after we said our prayers and that they all went to sleep, i cried and cried - confused, not exactly knowing what to feel.
at least now, i know where he is. unlike before that i had to guess where he is or will he be present in our birthdays, Christmases and New Years, graduations, etc. etc.
now, my father found peace.
and soon, i will forgive and that i hope i will be forgiven.
what i only ask now is to be stronger - for my family and for myself.