Saturday, March 10, 2007

I want to be a mommy someday

i'm happy for jayme who will give birth to a baby girl soon.

i'm happy for another friend, cris, who gave birth to a baby boy last february.

and i wish i'll have the same happiness they have - but not soon - not this year, not next year, not in the next five years.

i know in my heart that it's not all career and studies i'm after - i want to be a mommy also - a mother to a boy and a girl, hopefully.

but yesterday, i got scared of not realizing that dream.

i always have bad cases of dysmenorrhea - as in bad. i can't forget when i bled profusely back in college. my JOURN classmates were shocked to find me bleeding in the ladies' room - the kind you see on TV and movies in miscarriage cases - as in, crimson red gushing down my legs. some of my classmates rushed to the UST clinic to get help for me, my publications adviser who happened to be in another class was called by my friends and she stormed out and attended to me; our professor was all worried about me, class was halted for a time because of me. i was wheelchaired to the university clinic and there i washed myself since the baby diaper i was wearing was not able to contain too much blood (yes, it was that bad i had to wear diapers on second and third days of my period). my girlfriends visited me after class and brought me some food (it was milk and pizza - a tummy-turning combo, haha, but they were thoughtful and that was more than enough). glad my classmates did not suspect i was pregnant then - well, to think the funny side of it.

i was prescribed to take medication and was advised to see an OB-GYNE. it was partly due to stress, lack of sleep (like most of my closest, college friends, I was part-time AB Journalism student and full-time varsitarian staff member - the work load and all), diet, exercise, and genes (maybe), the reasons i was profusely bleeding. until now, i'm taking that medication. i still bleed that much, but not that profuse, and dysmenorrhea pains suck, especially on second and third days.

and yesterday was my third day. on my way to ortigas, i suddenly fell all cold and dizzy as i was nearing the MRT Ayala station ticket booth. so dizzy and cold was i that i rushed to a cafe nearby. good thing it was not that full and i immediately asked for a brewed coffee. good thing it was steamy. i instantly inhaled its aroma to calm my nerves. yet i was still cold. i was in the verge of tears but managed not to cry. i asked for water and took my drug right away. i knew i was pale - i didn't want to look at my compact mirror to see how ghostly was i. i stayed there for about 15 minutes until i felt i'm becoming a little better. i stayed for another 15 to 20 minutes to make sure i could walk straight. blame my period, the accompanying pain, and the scorching heat for this yesterday's episode.

when i managed to get to MRT - that episode back in my senior college year hit me. and later, my mother's latest story about my second-degree cousin, who like i, have bad cases of dysmenorrhea. she fell that ill two weeks back and - i don't remember exactly the detail because it was gory for me i couldn't handle my mother all detailing it - my cousin's uterus had to be surgically removed.

i had goose bumps thinking of that - what if i end up like her? if my uterus has to be removed, how can i be a mommy? lucky for my cousin she has children already. but what if i'm that ill now? i forgot about these when i reached my destination, got myself a coke in can, and buckled down to work, yet, remembered them again on my way home.

i know, i feel, i'm not that ill, though my check up is due soon. i didn't follow, or i can't follow the doctors' advise to change my lifestyle - to get enough rest, to sleep adequately, and diet just right - but if i want to be healthy enough, i shouldn't be this stubborn. all i know now is i'm not ready for something like what happened to my cousin. i still want to be a mommy like jayme and cris. but, who knows? who knows...
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