Of writing. And to let it out, I blogged about it, though cryptic, for the past days, so I hid this blog and only allowed viewing to select friends (ironic - I'm tired of writing yet I turned to blogging [which is online writing] to somewhat relieve me from this tiredness).
As I told the boss last Wednesday (in between stifled sobs at that), I'm getting tired of writing as a starting journalist. I'm getting tired of writing as a media student. I'm GETTING TIRED of the process that is writing.
Getting, freaking tired of the process
I'm getting less kilig with whatever compliment or commendation I get for "a job well done."
I'm submitting stories just to meet the deadliest deadlines.
I'm writing, not so much to publish something that is worth-reading, but just to follow the page plan.
I'm accepting writing assignments, not so much to be versatile in a wide array of topics, but just to earn extra.
And I'm starting to see the awards and nominations I got not too much as accomplishments in this starting stage of my "career."
I'm getting tired of writing as a job.
I'm getting tired of writing as a media student - I even asked for an "INCOMPLETE" as grade for a subject in second semester last school year, since I didn't know, or didn't have enough will to finish my final paper (and now that I'm hoping to take my candidacy exams this first semester - which I already filed).
Thought what's happening is one of the usual phases I need to go through to relax - slack a little, then work to the max.
Pero, hindi - umiiyak na ako sa harap ng laptop `pag halos dalawang oras na, blangko pa rin ang MS Word - makakatulugan ko siya, pero ganoon uli paggising, iiyak ako uli, hanggang hahanapin na ng boss ko ang mga artikulo at lampas-lampas na ako sa deadline...been like this for the whole summer.
I even tried to write long-hand, just to keep me started, but the several attempts were futile.
The cycle took a toll on me, health-wise - with this "anxiety," last summer, I again had profuse bleeding cases (having my period twice every month, which started last April), bouts with slight fever, recurring back and joint pains, frequent migraine attacks, and the latest, allergic conjunctivitis.
Last Thursday, I had dysmenorrhea, and begged off to report to work. My period is ahead now, and I don't know if I'll have again later this month - or if I'll be sickly again in the coming days.
I even turned to jogging (though I'm getting thinner already, many already said that to me) - thinking I maybe sluggish lately and need some exercise.
I pushed through with the NAMFREL volunteer stint last elections - para patunayan sa sarili ko na may silbi ako at hindi walang kuwenta gaya ng unti-unti kong nararamdaman tungkol sa pagsusulat.
Nixing the escape plan
Worst that I thought of was to escape - yes, escape. When I agreed to interview a friend's relatives who live in Polilio Island, Quezon province, last Easter Sunday, I really thought that was my chance to go away. I packed clothes good for two to three days' use (I thought of just buying there). Had my ATMs, some cash, my phone, and my iPod. The island is a perfect hideaway, I thought - intermittent signal, Internet always down - ergo, no contact with me.
But I nixed the plan, since I realized later that day that I also have relatives there in the island, and that my late father hails from that province, and that I told them here at home I'm going there for a story. Besides, I was with a friend, who I pestered to come home with me that same day. So that land and sea travel of about 12 hours (to and from) was my kind of "escape." I came back from that trip tired, and with a job to do - to write the profile of my friend's relatives.
To quit or not to
"You're not the old Lynda," the boss told me via e-mail when I finally asked to speak with him. Hindi ko lang maamin sa sarili ko na mapapagod din pala ako sa pag-abot ng pangarap ko, kaya hindi ako nagkukuwento noon sa kanya, especially we're building up the magazine....
All these, I told the boss - finally. I was not telling him anything even though he was asking me before if I have any personal problem - akala ko kasi, maaayos ko kaagad ang sarili ko, eh, hindi, kaya ito. Hindi ko rin kasi ugali ang mang-abala ng ibang tao, lalo pa "mabigat" ang problema ko. Magsasalita lang ako `pag suko na ako, tulad ngayon....
Now, I'm thinking, and hoping, to take a break - to analyze things, if writing, for me, is still worth pursuing as a dream....
Kung napapagod na rin ako rito, at kung matatali ako sa 9 to 6 office hours - yes, required na ako pumasok ng opisina bilang "parusa" - kailangan ko yatang mag-isip-isip. (Sa totoo lang, noon pa gusto ng big boss na pumasok ako araw-araw. Pero, telecommuting ang napag-usapan namin ng boss (direct boss) ko kaya ako pumayag kahit ganoon ang suweldo, na siya kong sinabi sa big boss noong Miyerkules din - umaga kami nag-usap - si boss, hapon ng araw ding `yun ako nagkumpisal na sa kanya. `Di ko sinabi kay big boss ang totoong dahilan, tama lang kay direct boss, at sigurado akong sinabi na ni direct boss kay big boss ang tungkol sa kumpisal ko).
Tama rin yata ang Mommy ko, na kung ganito rin lang mapapako ako sa opisina, at napapagod na akong magsulat, maghanap na raw ako ng ibang trabahong labas sa pagsusulat at mas mababayaran ako ng tama (dahil tumutulong din ako kahit paano rito sa bahay).
Pero anong trabahong puwede sa akin? With my qualifications which are all about about writing?
Ngayon, ang alam ko, nagsusulat pa rin ako, at nag-blog muna ako saglit.
But I'm really getting tired. But less emotional now since I finally told the boss, mommy, my middle brother, my little brother (who's close to me, well, quite, haha), some friends, and my sweetie.
All I have to do now is think. Have a break maybe....
Ngayon, magkakape muna ako.