Saturday, January 31, 2009

Rediscover Intramuros

My History of Philippine Broadcasting class (one of my graduate studies’ courses) had our Intramuros exploration Sunday, January 25.

It was a modern take on viewing Intramuros, which was Manila - a growing city then comparable to those in Europe, and entry to this was only to those of Spanish blood or descent.

The trip, composed of series of explorations of texts, places, events, and artifacts aims to have a critical reflection on colonial influence on the Filipino consciousness and identity.

It was designed ala Amazing Race, though since we were only a class of five, we worked as a group, and were able to found what was asked from us:

At The Manila Cathedral premises, we were asked to find the residence of one of the three famous martyred priests;

At Fort Santiago, we found the martyr’s bones, A Christian warrior against the Muslim faith, footsteps of doom, a hero’s bed, and goodbye in many languages;

At the San Agustin Church and Museum, we found the maestro’s final resting place, tribute to the Adelantado, an artistic spectacle of visual illusion, and an ancient parchment (I was a bit nostalgic here; I visited this more than a year ago, and it was on a first date with my fiance, who was non-religious, but still marvelled - and dismayed at such wealth the Catholic church amassed);

At Casa Manila (photo taking strictly prohibited), we saw a conjugal toilet and an ilustrado refrigerator;

At the National Museum (National Gallery of the Art - strictly no photo taking also), I first laid my eyes on Juan Luna’s Spoliarium, among other exhibits (since perhaps the museum is undergoing renovation, there were exhibits that shouldn’t be housed there, being the gallery of art);

At the Museum of the Filipino People, our eyes feasted on most galleries dedicated to the San Diego Spanish galleon recovery, among other exhibits that fill the four floors of the former finance building;

I dig this kind of trip - when I was in high school, the history buff in me was boosted when I joined history quiz competitions and the likes. I must admit I knew history then merely by memorizing the dates, the events, the people, and I had no complete understanding of what really transpired then.

So, given the time, and the bodily energy, I would go for more historical trips of this kind - a day touring Intramuros is not really enough.

Here’s Intramuros from my view. Please take note the photos here were taken whenever permissible, as some areas were not allowed to be photographed. (The orientalist textual representations’ class assignment, to follow).

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Lucky Thursday

A plurk friend posted earlier that like what her pre-school teacher says, "Thursday is a lucky day!"

For me, it is so far. Though I will not be content with that.

I believe though there is no such thing as luck - you make things happen.

I made things happened. And I am achieving results so far - enough for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Though I still have to watch out for things to come, I still have to be on guard.

On that note, I wish us all a good ending to this first month of 2009.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Why I love Robin O'Connor Lockwood - part 2


I love you because you take time to listen to my views on any topic – like religion (the very first thing we discussed when we met), settling our differences (you being non-religious), and how I felt I was knowledgeable enough about such big issues, how you contradicted my views in a matter-of-factly way, and without offending me at that. I started to admire you then for how you gave me respect as a conversationalist and a listener.

Again, this may not be the reason you’re looking when you asked me “why do I love you?” and again, I am sorry I failed to respond right away, and I am sorry if I disappointed you. But I know I deserve, we deserve another chance and I am aiming, working for that.

Whatever the reason is, I love you because I chose to. And I will not walk away from what we have been sharing all this time.

I am waiting, I am still here.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Why I love Robin

I believe love doesn’t need to have a reason – because you let it flow, you let it grow, despite the ugliness of life.

We view love on different perspectives here, but bottom line, we chose to love each other despite such.

And with the state we were while chatting earlier, I think though you haven't believed anything I said so I am left with doubt here if you'd believe the following, but I am taking my chances.

I hope though the following will validate why I love you - they maybe not enough for you, I don't know what answer you're looking for at this point, but I am sure to find out in time:

As I said, I started to have a crush on you because you took an interest on me when we met in Meetic

I developed feelings for you because you took late nights to spend with me chatting, getting to know me, and I you

I started to believe you're sincere when how you expressed that you very much dislike a long-distance relationship, yet, you continued to know me better, to let your feelings grow for me

I knew you were serious when you risked that weekend to be with me, to date me, and be interrogated by my chaperon.

You made me a very important lady - and a beautiful one, you didn’t bulge in with those curious stares others were giving us – another foreigner – Filipina couple at that

I believed then in real love, and how that real love was won by me because I got you

You continued to love me despite the distance, and how you shifted your career options when you lost that job in Sing and KL. I expressed how I felt responsible for that but you said it wasn't my fault, and how I took comfort in that, but remained mindful of such big risk you took

You also took time to take my mother’s questioning, my brothers’ snobbishness, and spent company with my life friends

You still made an effort to be with me by inviting me to be with you in your country, to meet the friends who helped you get through during your rough times. It was a costly way of expressing your love for me, for which I am grateful

You love me because you took what for you is a menial job - and how you're postponing your studies for us to be together soonest as we initially planned – a plan I am very much looking forward to culminate for us this year

If these were the answers you were looking for earlier, I am sorry I wasn't able to articulate them right away.

I love you because of such cited.

I love you because you are sharing with me the world you've seen through your travels.

I love you because you let me listen to all you've been through in your life.

I love you for making me the most beautiful lady around.

I love you because you make me smile, and laugh with your weird and sick humor.

I love you because you share with me the joys of reading, the love of watching movies and TV, the company of a good talk.

I love you for putting up with all my life's woes, my idiosyncrasies, my bitchiness, my crankiness, and how you kept quiet at times and not chose to argue - which I also am the same because I am not an advocate of petty fights to resolve things

I love you because you make me feel so loved and how you let me love you back.

I love you because of the person that you are - wounded in the past yet took your chance again to love, and that chance is me.

= = = = =
You revealed tonight the ugly you - dumping me with all your might.

Saying all those nasty things - how you impressed on me my bitchiness at that.

How you insisted I find someone else.

How you said that your life turned from bad to worse because of me - I am always mindful of that it is very hurtful to be told though.

You were trying your hardest for me to be mad at you - tell you what, I am not – all the more you made me determined to love you – the messianic complex in me maybe, but you’re a beautiful person who’s hurting now that what you thought your chance of happiness with me turned out to be disappointing – I am sorry again, I do, and I will redeem myself for me, for you, for US, and will wait for my chance to be with you.

All I am saying here are words, all I am expressing are words, I am telling you my love in words - which is not enough, but as I said:

I will not walk away. It is worth hanging on for US.

If you need time to be away from me, fine, that is fine.

I will remain here. Loving you, improving for me, you, for US.

If my heart gets tired though, I'll let you know, and that would be the end of me believing in real love....

I love you.


Monday, January 26, 2009

(Chinese) New Year's resolution

She has decided to rest - for now.

To rest until she has regained the courage and strength to continue the fight.

To fight for what she believes a blessing that should be nurtured and kept for good....

Like the Warrior of the Light, she now:

"Respects the main teaching of the I Ching: "to persevere is favorable."

"...always returns to the fray. He never does so out of stubbornness, but because he has noticed a change in the weather."

"...tries to establish what he truly can rely on. And he always checks that he carries three things with him: faith, hope, and love. if these things are there, he does not hesitate to go forward."


"For the Warrior, there is no such thing as impossible love....A Warrior never gives in to fear when he is searching for what he needs. Without love, he is nothing."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

A letter to Robin


Today's the date when I arrived in Melbourne a year ago - I will never forget how you called out my name at the airport, hugged and kissed me back, held hand with me when the cold wind welcomed me as we stepped out the airport, how you reassuringly put your hand on my lap while driving home, how you kept me warm seating by my side when I was first taking time to know your friends, how you searched for those cute, colorful donuts from Donut King to welcome me there, and how your friend Carol remarked you're so in-love to take the trouble of buying me donuts....

I tried to keep quiet the past days, like you, I took the time also to think things over about us - and nothing's changed, I always get the same answer - I love you and I will spend the rest of my life with you - provided I'm still allowed to do such?

Our non-communicating for close to two weeks now is very saddening (as I always say, it's hard to have a misunderstanding when we're this very far from each other). Now I'm back bothering you, because I know I have to do what it takes for you to forgive me, to know where I got wrong, to know what to do to solve what is there to solve.

When you said before it's a big ask from your end for me to give up everything, yes, I was hesitant at first, but I eventually worked on the idea of living with you, becoming your wife, anywhere in this world.

I only thought of "giving up" my career and studies here - come to think of it, I MUST also give up my old ways of getting ahead, of getting what I want the way I want, of giving cold treatment to those who don't pay me any attention or refuse to follow me.

I still have these walls built around me - I always am perceived as a tough one and one who takes the lead - which should not be the case in any relationship that requires give and take and understanding, patience, and trust.

You expressed many times that it is me who you consider to spend the rest of your life with, to be your wife and mother to your children (Sebastian and Tristram, right? Or Sally?) that expressed, I took it as a sign that you want and need "me" to be your final and happy and lasting relationship - I still very much uphold that thought, because you're the only one I learned to love this much and chose to be with for good - you're the one who took the time to know me, who chose to love me, who again endured the long distance to have our relationship going, who despite all odds that came your way last year, you continue to have me by your side to love and support you.

Like you, I want and need you in my life, now and forever (if there is forever or if we could cheat death at that).

Like you always say, life is too short and that we should enjoy the short time we have. While I am here continuing to love and support you, I failed many times to fully understand you - of how selfish I am to require all your attention which is not always possible, as you toil more than 12 hours of work a day, and also requires some "alone" time to unwind.

I am sorry for not fully understanding you and making you "cranky" because of my "crankiness."

I am sorry for letting you guess what am I thinking when I should be telling you instead.

I am sorry for making you feel I am annoyed with you, or upset with you when I am annoyed or upset with something else here.

I am sorry for not really understanding you, when you’re taking time to understand me, at times empathize with my woes, and help me get up and continue with my life here.

I know you're still taking time to think things over. We had our share of misunderstandings in the past, and we managed to get through them, I know we will get over this, hopefully the soonest time possible, and start refreshed, start anew, as we head to the path of real togetherness.

Having said that, I will continue to reach out to you, to let you know I love you even more, and will start to improve myself, like how you're changing for the better because you value me, you value our relationship.

Yes, I will still be here for you, provided I am still allowed to love you....


(Photo from

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Blue New Year

(Image from

Today marks my 100th post, but the following will not really be fully celebratory.

Since my last post, I got busy catching up with my deadlines for the magazine and sideline work.

I also had to enroll for this term in graduate school - due to a misunderstanding, I had to change matriculation and withdrew from the two classes I enrolled in and transferred to the "right" one for my completion. Duh me, duh them.

Spent part of Christmas and New Year with my friends, went to the church to thank for our 2008 blessings and look forward to a more blessed 2009 - yes, despite the doom and gloom being painted all over.

Welcomed the New Year with only me and my mother - my brothers were out working (call center professionals, you see). Still, with tables full of food, it was a bit strange only me and my mother having media noche - I thought we rarely got complete during occasions (having an absentee father), but I took the New Year 2009 as a sign that things are definitely changing for us and it would be inevitable that there would be times we wouldn't be able to be together.

Ended 2008 with a more optimistic sight for 2009 - until last week, when due to shifting moods and misunderstanding (blame the mercury retrograde?), I'm feeling the optimism was sucked out of me. On my end, I'm trying to patch things up - I believe it was a "little" issue that should be resolved right away, and not exacerbate it by choosing not to deal with it.

If experts say "the unhappiest day in history" was yesterday, January 19, I say, I'm having a week of "unhappiness' already.

A trusted friend just advised me now - I've done my part so be cool about the situation in another three to five days. That friend says also if I want to get things work, it is me who has to change.

Indeed. No one can't change overnight though, but I know I should keep that blessing, and if I want to, it has to be me who should give more. The other part has been giving me a lot and I was submerged in my pride not to consider such.

I am still optimistic. Starting today, I will dwell more on the new spring of optimism in me. If still nothing happens in the cooling period of three to five days, God know's I tried....

I will lessen feeling blue now - it's not good for the health, really. But blue is my favorite color and I will continue to wear it.

Please also visit Rediscover. Thank you.