Saturday, January 24, 2009
A letter to Robin
Today's the date when I arrived in Melbourne a year ago - I will never forget how you called out my name at the airport, hugged and kissed me back, held hand with me when the cold wind welcomed me as we stepped out the airport, how you reassuringly put your hand on my lap while driving home, how you kept me warm seating by my side when I was first taking time to know your friends, how you searched for those cute, colorful donuts from Donut King to welcome me there, and how your friend Carol remarked you're so in-love to take the trouble of buying me donuts....
I tried to keep quiet the past days, like you, I took the time also to think things over about us - and nothing's changed, I always get the same answer - I love you and I will spend the rest of my life with you - provided I'm still allowed to do such?
Our non-communicating for close to two weeks now is very saddening (as I always say, it's hard to have a misunderstanding when we're this very far from each other). Now I'm back bothering you, because I know I have to do what it takes for you to forgive me, to know where I got wrong, to know what to do to solve what is there to solve.
When you said before it's a big ask from your end for me to give up everything, yes, I was hesitant at first, but I eventually worked on the idea of living with you, becoming your wife, anywhere in this world.
I only thought of "giving up" my career and studies here - come to think of it, I MUST also give up my old ways of getting ahead, of getting what I want the way I want, of giving cold treatment to those who don't pay me any attention or refuse to follow me.
I still have these walls built around me - I always am perceived as a tough one and one who takes the lead - which should not be the case in any relationship that requires give and take and understanding, patience, and trust.
You expressed many times that it is me who you consider to spend the rest of your life with, to be your wife and mother to your children (Sebastian and Tristram, right? Or Sally?) that expressed, I took it as a sign that you want and need "me" to be your final and happy and lasting relationship - I still very much uphold that thought, because you're the only one I learned to love this much and chose to be with for good - you're the one who took the time to know me, who chose to love me, who again endured the long distance to have our relationship going, who despite all odds that came your way last year, you continue to have me by your side to love and support you.
Like you, I want and need you in my life, now and forever (if there is forever or if we could cheat death at that).
Like you always say, life is too short and that we should enjoy the short time we have. While I am here continuing to love and support you, I failed many times to fully understand you - of how selfish I am to require all your attention which is not always possible, as you toil more than 12 hours of work a day, and also requires some "alone" time to unwind.
I am sorry for not fully understanding you and making you "cranky" because of my "crankiness."
I am sorry for letting you guess what am I thinking when I should be telling you instead.
I am sorry for making you feel I am annoyed with you, or upset with you when I am annoyed or upset with something else here.
I am sorry for not really understanding you, when you’re taking time to understand me, at times empathize with my woes, and help me get up and continue with my life here.
I know you're still taking time to think things over. We had our share of misunderstandings in the past, and we managed to get through them, I know we will get over this, hopefully the soonest time possible, and start refreshed, start anew, as we head to the path of real togetherness.
Having said that, I will continue to reach out to you, to let you know I love you even more, and will start to improve myself, like how you're changing for the better because you value me, you value our relationship.
Yes, I will still be here for you, provided I am still allowed to love you....
(Photo from http://johnshore.files.wordpress.com)