Wednesday, June 02, 2010


It's June already - middle of 2010, a dreading, tear-filled month for me for sure.

Middle of the month I'll be starting to work full-time again, along with my other commitments that most of them I had for years. I'm just thankful I got these "distractions" of opportunities.

By next week, I am reminded of an occasion that last year I had an honor to spend with the celebrator - the hours of shredding the chicken; cutting Baguio beans; cutting carrots Julienne style to the actual cooking of vermicelli for that dear one's birthday was mortifying, but all sweat was worth it when it was consumed in a flash with French champagne to gulp it down. I'll be missing this opportunity to do this now, when I'm intending to experiment on Pad Thai ....

49 days now since I last saw my happiness;

37 days since the non-communication started over a technical issue that I'm not responsible of. I spent these 37 waking days crying, thinking what have I done; attempting to contact via SMS, e-mails, offline messages, but I was waiting in vain; 37 days of late nights spent on crying until tiredness lulled me to sleep;

11 days since I received that bomb of an e-mail telling me it's over - just like that: the 49 days since I last saw my happiness left me here in a more hopeful mode that 2010 will be our year; the 37 days that passed left me here questioning myself over something I had no idea of; of suspecting something's going on down there;

A day after that bomb I woke up with a throbbing headache and eyes very evident that they cried the whole night. I asked for a letter to process my going there to sort things out but no reply came. The more I cried. But I already requested permission from the boss for me to fly to Australia. I printed the forms already. Had my passport-sized photo taken for the visa application. Everything is sorted out except for that letter of invite.

Day 3 after that bomb, I met with a friend who has been comforting me since. To her I owe her my sanity. She said I should keep quiet for now, not make any contact, for the other party to think things over, to which I'm following strictly.

Day 6, the bomb sender suddenly came back online  after 37 days of absense, 37 days I'm wishing the presence was there. Either busy or away, that's always the online status. I'm tempted to drop a line but I am restraining myself. I'm spending the past days gathering strength, rationalizing things, making myself calmer, but not sure until when I can take it all.

If before I was hoping for that person to contact, now with that online presence, I am dreading what that person would ever say should that person decides to talk. My heart remains with love only for that person - and despite all this - I still love and will always love that person - but fear resides in me now. I don't know how much strength I have to absorb the truth.

But this blog post will be the start of my countdown to even things out. I'm no quitter. I believe in one true love and I believe I found that one true love in that person and that I will fight for it no matter what.


Day 1: attempt contact to other networks, see if they can help me with that letter which is a must.
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