Thursday, May 31, 2012

To Be Alive Again

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Indeed, the first five months of 2012 just took off like that.

To those who have accomplished a lot from January to May this year, congratulations! Surely, hitting your goals for the rest of 2012 would be a breeze!

To those who listed too many to accomplish but have done nothing, count me in.

I wasted my first half of 2012.

I thought I'm on my way to recovery, but I spent mostly wallowing, still trying to make sense out of something that obviously did not make any sense from the start.

At times, depressed, too depressed even to finish a book I swore to read in two-week’s time but instead took me three months to finish.

Often, I found myself angry. So angry that even the tiniest, the most trivial thing, easily got into me and made most of my days horrible, simply horrible.

I have become anti-social. I could last a whole week or two without joining my co-workers for lunch or coffee breaks. I preferred to be alone most of the time. After work, I’d go straight to my room and I'd only go out to eat, do my evening rituals, then sleep – or cry myself to sleep.

I have become more sickly, availing of my sick leaves lately due to migraine and recently, a very bad case of allergic rhinitis and slight fever. The dull and located sharp pains bugged me at times, but I never visited my doctors yet.

There were times I was coming to work with heavily puffy eyes. Especially during the third week of April when I found out something that crushed further whatever is left of my heart. 

Such was too much for me to bear. Good thing I had a teammate who patiently listened to me, at times, lectured me, pointed to me that I'm becoming a wreck already.

Then sometime this month, it hit me: I have been pitying myself too much. It’s not a nice feeling. And no one’s helping me. I swore in the past that I would move on but I kept holding on – to nothing. That "nothing" steadily ate a huge chunk of my optimism, my zest, my will to live.

Then I looked back to what I wrote here – and mostly the goals are left unfulfilled ....


I am bagging an opportunity to work in my company’s office/branch in Hong Kong/Singapore/Australia as a branding/communications/marketing specialist, and I am starting with this overseas post by first quarter of 2013.

There’s a  virtual conference the company will be launching next week for all employees worldwide  – an ideal timing to review or learn more how will I achieve my career plan.

I am saving 10 percent of my base salary starting payday of February 2012.

I recently had a financial setback when a steady source of extra income would now be on an "assignment basis" income instead since there was not much for me to do. Saddening because my source of “happy money” won’t be regular anymore, but this extra work was where I practiced my analytical skills, and putt into good use my background in business and finance. Good thing I'm steadily putting money in long-term investments.

I am hitting my weight goal of 120 lbs. and a waistline of 26 in. by April 2012.

I’m now 134 lbs. (60.78 kg.) and my waistline is 30. I was monitoring what I eat through the FitnessPal but I got tired of it. The lazy in me kept postponing my return to jogging, plus I’m complaining about my left knee lately. So I must see my OB gyne soon (for my myoma and endometrial cyst, which jokingly, I think they’re making my tummy bigger); see a surgeon for biopsy  and an endocrinologist for my goiter and related thyroid problem/s; see a nutritionist/dietician to help me devise a diet that would make me eat healthier without starving myself; and an occupational/physical therapist to check what’s wrong with my left knee, plus back and neck pain. Whatever the results of these medical check-ups, I must be prepared ….


Religious and Spiritual:
I am starting my day right by reflecting through Bible passages and Didache 2012.

I stopped reading the Bible and reflecting with Didache as guide. I stopped going to church also, because lately, I don’t understand why God is throwing me all the s***. I know there are more out there having far bigger troubles than mine, but I just felt abandoned, neglected by Him (or Her). I still talk to God but it’s more of questioning Him a lot lately …. And obviously, with how am I behaving about this, I haven’t seen or heard an answer from Him ….
And I don’t know how exactly I am going to address this. A colleague from work asked if I’m interested to attend a retreat in July, for which I said I’ll think about it …. For now, all I ask from God is that he look after my family because I'm such a wreck to even take care of myself, what more those who are depending on me?

I am visiting Singapore from November 11 to 14, 2012 for my 32nd birthday.

This is my next escape, and no matter what happens, I am pushing through with this trip.

Other goals that I listed that I find worth sharing include:


Career – At Work:
I am participating in three to four CSR activities for 2012.

I already registered as a teacher/facilitator for an employee club in our company that is into outreach education. Thus, this area has been taken care of.

Career – As a Writer/Editor/Blogger:
I am blogging once a week, posting quality entries for Descovrir and Rediscover. (I only blogged eight times in 2011 for Descovrir, 10 for Rediscover. How lazy I was!)

I'm too consumed by wallowing, hours wasted which I could have spent practicing my writing skills through blogging. I need all the energy and the focus, as I already listed the things I like to blog.

I am increasing my “happy spending” to PHP5000 monthly.

This is decreased significantly, given the financial setback, and whatever money I would be spending for this or that item, I must save for my birthday trip.


I am finishing two books in a month starting January 2012. (I exceeded my expectations! I already read three books for this month: PopeBenedict XVI: Light of the World, by Peter Seewald, The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, and Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote).

Even reading a book took a toll. Now, I'm trying to finish one, and hopefully I get to do so this weekend.

= = = = =
I have wasted too much time already. I must go back, see the world, and seize the day.
I need to feel alive again.
I must embrace a new life.
I have to be reborn and better than ever.

And I’ll start tomorrow by steadily accomplishing the items in my list until I achieve most, or better, all of them before 2012 ends.
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