DESCOVRIR Prayer

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No matter how I try to frame my mind to be happy, I am still weak. 

And I am fooling myself to believe I can be happy in due time.

I got myself into a situation that now I am regretting very much. I was happy at a time I needed to and now, the realizations are torturing me.

The window of opportunity I was happy about last week is now closed, without me even having a peek of what is behind that window.

I am so weak now to deal with rejection after rejection. That is strike two for me since yesterday.

I know I am being tested. But I am draining of strength to hang on. 

The lessons emerging are hard to absorb. All I taste is the bitter pill of my own failure.

For me to learn from these lessons, I have to hang on. I have to be strong.

But my prayers, my efforts to achieve happiness in crucial areas of my life are failing me.

They said there is strength in numbers. As such, please, pray for me, that I will be stronger in the coming days of tests.

Because one more blow and I feel my whole system would shut down.

I am inches away to giving up.

DESCOVRIR Window

I had a quiet view of Commonwealth Avenue  from my seat last Saturday at Enchanted Farm Cafe. I was so transfixed with the view, with this glass window. And figuratively, a window opened for me. And I am pro-active about this. Photo's mine.

How's the week going?

Mine has a share of both good and bad happenings.

The bad happenings were my fault, because I let them rule this week.

But I am reminding myself that I am still blessed.

And as opportunities closed, a window opened. It was actually a closed opportunity, but for some reason, it reopened --- and this highlights my week.

Thankful for this window of opportunity, it is letting in some needed sunshine in my life now.

Backtracking to Tuesday, May 14:

1. After Monday’s mid-term elections, it was back to work the next day for most of us. As for me, I had a whole day training then. It could have been cancelled by the trainer since there were lapses in the logistics which were not his fault, but all nine of us students were already there. He was innovative enough to push through with the class. This was the second time I had him for a trainer, it really shows he has the knack for it, as he explains complex topics in a simple way, like using French fries as an example. And I learned a lot.
2. Finished Walking in the Light 30 Days with Pope John Paul II Wednesday night, May 15. It was supposedly a 30-day read, but it took me four months to complete it. I am being inconsistent about my reading goal for the year --- and I must hit my goal.
3. Wednesday was when the window of opportunity opened. I was simply elated with this development; I thought this was gone already. I took the first step to open further the window for me. The next day, with assistance, I was able to complete the requirements. All I am waiting now is to get a peek of what is waiting for me behind that window. I am positive because I badly needed this for my career and personal development.
4. Thank God it’s Friday, that except for completing an online mandatory training, it was quiet at work. I even kept myself busy by working on something that was not urgent. And I was able to complete other tasks which I could not do when my project requires my full attention.
5. And during my breaks today, I was able to finish my second book for the week (my third for the year): The Best of Archie Comics. My love for this comic book was revived. I remember when I was in grade school, I would borrow copies from my Mom’s student and read them until I fell asleep. The same for this compilation of Archie and the gang’s 70 years, twice I fell asleep finishing this 400-page turner.
6. Tried today Starbucks’ Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino and it was too sweet for me. Too sinfully sweet for me now that I am trying to lose weight and curbing my sweet cravings. But my fave coffee chain has a promo: when you buy the frappe mentioned, or the Red Bed Green Tea Frappuccino, you will get a scratch card for a prize. And my treat for the next store visit is “Buy One, Get One.”  Hooray for this caffeine treat and go share the calories!

Oh, I still have problem (nine days running now) with Globe and the Tweet assistance (I bombarded @talk2GLOBE and those Tweeting to me from the telecom) to finally visit one of their stores to assist me (I am guessing it is the SIM card that has a problem). This merits another post. A not so pleasant one though.

Let us all enjoy our weekend!

DESCOVRIR Day

My mom's Mother's Day Rose Inspiration Fresh Cream artisan cake from Tous Les Jours

I had another enlightening counseling Monday, April 29, where I am highly encouraged to engage in ways or activities that will help me to be truly healed. So that day, I started posting a Facebook status (I normally "like," "share" interesting readings, and Instagram photos). My post that day was something so contradictory with my posts two years back, and the difference made me feel better.

The regular Facebook status focuses on my "happy happenings in a day." Many have commended the effort, as it is sometimes really hard for us to count the times we have been happy in a day because we are consumed with the unhappy things that ruined our day.

The happenings were not big, but surely made my day lighter. Counting them outnumber the times I was sad or mad in any given day.

And earlier, a light bulb moment hit me: why not blog about my "happy happenings in a day?" That will be meeting my goal to blog positively on a regular basis and counting the happy things that made my day.

So backtracking to Friday, May 10, here are the "happy" things that happened:

1. As wished by most, it was payday Friday, four days earlier than our scheduled payday (we are actually blessed to always receive our salary a night before the scheduled payday).
2. Had a relaxing Friday night, watching again for the nth time While You Were Sleeping on HBO Family, one of my feel good fave films.
3. Had a surprising, heart touching exchange of SMS that just made me cry silly.
4. Saturday, I replenished my supply of toiletries from Human Nature, now my favorite because their products are affordable, environment-friendly (free of harmful chemicals commonly used on beauty, body, and bath products), and above all, the company is a social enterprise, supporting various causes and providing livelihood to fellow Filipinos.
5. After, had a quiet afternoon snack of TinTan's banoffee (which was huge!) and the delicious Bayani Brew, offered at Enchanted Farm Cafe, an advocacy cafe. I had a quiet view of Commonwealth Avenue from my seat, something different from my daily commute on this highway.
6. And Sunday, Mother's Day, my family had a simple lunch at Shakey's. I wanted for us to dine somewhere fancier and make a reservation, but arranging mine and my brothers' schedule was a challenge. Still, we made it for our mother. We owe everything to her and treating her for lunch is not enough. After lunch, we picked up her cake from the South Korean patisserie, Tous Les Jours. We got her the Rose Inspired Fresh Cream artisan cake that was highly recommended by my teammates, and yes, it did not disappoint.
7. And lastly, I fought the temptation to splurge. After jogging, Mass, and coffee, I went to the bookstore and caught fancy of Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project One Sentence Journal: A Five-Year Record, a complementary to her bestselling The Happiness Project book which I read and in a way, helped me be more positive one step at a time in my life. I almost bought the journal since I thought it was perfect for my "happy happenings in a day" effort. But self-control and a tight grip on my purse prevailed. I am having a hard time to fill my Belle De Jour and Starbucks journals, why add another one? But I will consider this new journal for next year.

Tomorrow is no ordinary holiday: vote wisely. Seriously. Help make our country a happier place to live.

And have a happy week to all!

DESCOVRIR Easter

Image from http://www.day2013.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/easter-2013-easter-sunday-2013-easter-resurrection-spirit-greeting-card.jpg

Very aptly, Easter is "starting anew."

That was the key takeaway from the Easter Mass I attended earlier.

For believers, faithfuls, that Jesus Christ the Son of God has risen is a fulfillment of an eternal promise, as emphasized by Pope Francis in his first Easter message:

There is hope.
Love has triumphed.
Mercy has been victorious.

As I try to renew my vows to the Roman Catholic church, the message of hope, love, and mercy is what I hold dearly the most since I had a crisis:

I hoped. But hope failed me.
I loved. But loved ruined me.
I forgave. But I am, and probably would never been forgiven.

The first quarter of the year started with a renewed hope: that love would blossom again once more and forgiveness was made in order.

But I gained pain. This time, it was more hurtful.

However, I faced the challenge with much courage, with much resolution, unlike how I dealt with it two years ago. This time, I surrendered my brokenness to Him and let Him through his Son, Jesus Christ, heal me.

The painful experience taught me that every single time I thought that hope failed me; that love ruined me; that mercy was not given me, it was actually the Lord's way of teaching me to rise, start anew, hope, love, and only through such I could truly forgive myself and those who have hurt me the most.

I still have a lot to learn in this course called Life.

But now, I always try to say "thank you" for every opportunity I have. That I am thankful for the blessings that come my way, big or small.

I must admit though that I have my inner desires that need attention. But I am doing my very best to be healed from this deep-seated pain. Only then I can truly be hopeful, experience real love, and be merciful.

I am still searching, for what it is, I do not exactly know. But this time, I fully acknowledge that I am being guided in my search. And when I read this part from Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle's extemporaneous commencement address to 2013 graduates of Ateneo De Manila University, I shed tears and smiled big for it hit right at my heart:

"A mind and heart with a clear purpose seeks God. Perhaps it can also be said that God wants to be found in the times when we feel our purpose is unclear. In the times when we feel we can’t see Him, perhaps He’s the one searching for you. That is part of depth.

When someone comes up to me and says, 'I feel lost,' I don’t always know what to say. Sometimes though, I just say, “ Just wait to be found. As you are searching for God, God is searching for you.'"

So let us all rejoice, the promise has been fulfilled. Have hope. Love and be loved. Be merciful.

Happy Easter!

P.S. Moving forward, starting with this post, I will be posting with DESCOVRIR in every title --- though the topic is not new, but it will always be a discovery for you and me.

All I ask is a truly forgiving heart

Something to ponder about: "Forgiveness is above all a personal choice, a decision of the heart to go against the natural instinct to to pay back evil with evil .... It has its perfect exemplar in the forgiveness of Christ, who on the cross prayed: 'Father, forgive them; for they know not what they are doing.'" --- Pope John Paul II, Rome 2002 (from Walking in the Light 30 Days with Pope John Paul II)

How can you forgive someone who has hurt you for the nth time?

The answer: forgive yourself first for letting that same person hurt you again.

Then, you will truly forgive the person who hurt you the most.

Eventually, you will move forward, hopeful that the person who hurt you learn to forgive himself or herself for all the hurt that he or she has done to you and to others.

So easy to say, but really hard to do. Especially if you keep on forgiving, giving chances, accepting, but you were repeatedly abused, hurt, mocked --- the works.

I thought I have already forgiven myself on the "lighter" problem I talked about in my previous post. That we were heading toward reconciliation. But over the weekend, I was disappointed again, driven mad, fooled. And I never learned my lesson.

After hours of exhaustion because of begging, crying, convincing the other person that he was making the wrong decision, I eventually calmed down. Then, I said sorry to the other person for being angry because I am hurt again. That I am sorry for being too honest about the matter because I felt the truth has to be said, and it is never easy to say --- or hear the truth. And all these fell again on deaf ears.

Is there any bright spot from this happening? Yes.

My friends --- even those I am friends with online but having very good, meaningful conversations with --- assured me that I have done everything possible to make things work. But there are really people who are so hurt, who have unresolved issues, that they consciously or sub-consciously hurt others to feel good about themselves.

I am coping now, steadily forgiving myself.

Shedding copious amount of tears also helped me feel better. However, I look forward to cry over joyous happenings.

Saying thank you to the Lord for giving me a big heart capable of limitless loving and a huge capacity to forgive is what I consciously, repeatedly doing these days, especially when I am feeling low again over this latest blow. And I found the following text from Walking in the Light 30 Days with Pope John Paul II:

Today, I will focus on one person to whom I should offer forgiveness and I will resolve to let my act of forgiveness to be forever. 

And such act is what I am striving to do once more.

Thinking also about my health --- how I need to be well --- is driving me too, to let go of this recurring source of drama. According to the Mayo Clinic, forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress, and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Channeling my energy and time on more pressing matters at work and at home is also my way to be occupied and not dwell anymore on this latest blow.

As such, let us all start to actively choose to forgive the person who has offended us (as there are some grave cases like sexual abuse that it is "permitted" not to forgive).

Let us move away from being a victim.

Let us release ourselves from the control and power the offending person and situation have had in our lives.

I hope these 9 additional quotes on forgiveness (with religious overtones or none) will be helpful to us all as we forgive, let go, and move forward:

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
― Mahatma Gandhi, All Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

“Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.”
― Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential

“Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack 

“Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track record.”
― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth am I Here for?

“Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

“Dear Lord, please show me everything I need to understand about forgiveness and surrender.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love 

“It’s not just other people we need to forgive. We also need to forgive ourselves. For all the things we didn’t do. All the things we should have done.”
― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie