Thursday, May 13, 2010


Yes, I can't hide it anymore - I'm depressed, bored, to a point I'm occasionally a ruthless bitch and always hot-headed. Probably the meds I'm taking are also contributing for the gloom and doom I'm feeling now. Not to mention my allergy hit me again. Every week and I'm sick.

Earlier this afternoon, and blame the really hot summer days we're having, I went to the salon for a hair cut. Normally I would say trim slightly and keep it layered to achieve a medium-length hair. But no, I said to the stylist, cut my hair the shortest possible, so with his pairs of scissors and combs, he decided what to do with my hair.

And off he cut it, until I noticed the thin, lengthy part that would be my hair style now. I had this before, when my hair was so long and most of it was chopped to a bob that I looked like an anime character with a long, thin, tail. This time, I think it's OK, except, I should said what I want - that is, my normal and safe layered hair style - than let the stylist decide for me. So, I'll shoulder the consequences of my action for the coming months.

Women said to cut their hair when they're feeling low. I don't believe in this crap but hell I think I did it. I was thinking of something else to do, like get hit by a truck so my family could claim my insurance ASAP. But I'm still a coward to do such a drastic thing like that. Well, who knows, one of these days, I'd just end up dead.

Not so being brag about it, many like my hair for it's straight, black, and most of the time, it looks great. And except for one time that our house help had this permed when I was 5 or 6, and my mother cut the permed, curly part, I never had my hair chemically treated - but my hair was at my mercy today. My hair was burdened with all the pangs and pains and frustrations and emotions ruling me for a month now. Not only my hair, but my physical and well-being is compromised now. But my hair, oh my hair took all the beating now.

Anyhow, I did it, I let someone decide how I would look like now and in the coming months. What happened this afternoon at the salon was only a reflection of how my life has been for a month now - that I'm not well because I'm not being treated well by someone I look forward to treat me well, to treat me right. That someone's absence is ruling my existence that I feel so contemplative if it's still worthy for me to exist or not. That when you entrust someone with your hair, or with your life for that matter, be prepared that either that someone would give you the most flattering hair cut you deserve or that someone could just make a mess out of your life. Either or both, you only got yourself to blame.

And I blame myself for what my hair looks like now. And I blame myself for the way I'm living my life now. If only shampoo and conditioner could make my life pretty now ....

Monday, May 10, 2010

Judgment Day

So, the naysayers were silenced now (or they still have something to say in the coming days).

The May 10, 2010 national and local elections generally went on peacefully, except for the glitches reported associated with the PCOS machine. While I'm blogging this, I'm listening to former COMELEC chairperson Christian Monsod and his wife, TV host and UP Economics professor Winnie analyze today's national happenings.

The COMELEC says there's 75% of voter turnout - but as the Monsods are saying over GMA 7's Eleksyon 2010 coverage, we haven't counted yet those who were disenfranchised (those who showed up to vote only to find out they were disqualified or their names are not in the list in the precincts they went to); the ballots that have been rejected by the PCOS machine (because the oval was not shaded properly [it's oval, not bilog na hugis itlog, please]; smudged ink, folded ballot, or ballot that got wet [mostly from sweat as voters really waited two hours or more just to vote]).

All we can hope for is to wait and see. And the following are the images I captured on this judgment day:

4:12pm. First stop: Cielito Zamora HS basketball court still filled with a huge number of either voters or poll watchers or volunteers

Filipinos seemingly always like to do things in a rush - these men are still looking for their names & precincts at past 4pm

Voters still in line to vote

Saturday, May 01, 2010


Friday, April 30 was my last day from my job - a step I thought would define my career if only for some people and the circumstances they created made it not what I thought it should be ... the matter is too complicated to discuss now that it's better to leave it as it is - for now. Suffice to say I'm glad I'm done with it (and speaking on behalf of others, I think they feel the same).

I thought it was my last day early Friday morning - all I remember I was so shaken from the impact. I was crying incontrollably and was only mentioning one name and one name only. When I pacified, I couldn't find myself - where to go or where to pick myself up. Several asked me that they'd call the person I was mentioning, but I silently refused. Eventually I found my way going home. Now, I'm under medications and woke up after almost 24 hours.

I'm wishing that incident just got me instead. Much as I try to be whole, but all I'm thinking about is if I really did something wrong that's why I'm getting this very cold treatment. And being alone - from the MRT ride to going to bed - it's really unbearable this time considering the circumstances. My heart is fighting but my body is giving up on me. I don't know until when I can hold on ....

I still had to show up to work yesterday to wrap things up, even if my aching body, my hurting ego, my sanity running thin refused to do anything. I'm glad I did. I indeed have a good laugh. Although it was spoiled toward the end of the day when something inhumane happened again, something very unforgivable ....

I'm up to another challenge by next week. It is a blessing indeed. I should be really looking forward to it but I can't really focus now when something's bothering me. And tonight, it seems like I'd be waiting in vain again ....

I'm glad others have a better weekend than what I'm having now - enjoy it while it lasts.