Tuesday, September 28, 2010

60 to 30: Coping Through Praying

I try to sleep.

I wake up and convince myself this will be a better day.

I hold back the tears.

I tell myself, I am strong, even when I am not.

I am busy at work. But a quick trip to the loo make me think too much that tears freely fall.

For three days now, I am getting by, praying for serenity:

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, and

the wisdom to know the difference."

This prayer attributed to St. Francis of Assisi calms me when I need to be calm.

So far, I am getting by.

I am still looking forward to the day that all my questions will be answered; all the things uncleared will be cleared; all that is needed to be said would finally be said ....

One day ....

Monday, September 27, 2010

60 to 30: From Tearful Sunday to Skirt-y Monday

I am emotionally and mentally and spiritually battered, bruised, crucified, despised, humiliated, hurt, miserable, scorned for months now.

Yesterday was too much, that I spent the rest of the day crying, and slept with a throbbing headache and puffy eyes. I told my youngest brother about it and he consoled me, and a dear friend assured me it's OK to cry, and even sent me songs to cry with.

But when I woke up earlier, I thought of prettifying myself - if I am unwell inside, I should, at least, try to look well outside.

So that's what I did, and I believe I am able to pull it off. My teammates noticed my change in wardrobe (from my staple slacks and jeans), and I joked to them I woke up and realized that I am a lady so I wore a skirt, haha.

In my eight years of professional life, today is the first time that I wore a skirt to the office (I think the last time I wore a skirt was back in college!)

Full, knee-length, printed (of black, gray, and pink) skirt from Tomato (PHP275.00, 50% off from PHP550.00); gray, peep toe wedges by Predictions from Payless Shoe Source (PHP945.00) and peeping behind me is my Ab Rocket, Abbie

I sent photos of this skirt to a friend and she liked it and suggested bright colored top to match this. I don't have a bright colored top to suit the skirt, so I wore this with a black top (that I forgot where I bought it, probably in one of those tiangges at the mall).

Thumbs up: What I liked about this skirt is that it suits my conservative style - it is a full skirt and it runs below the knees - even when I sit, it still covers my knees. And it's a steal for half a price (I bought this from Tomato outlet in La Fuerza Plaza 1, Pasong Tamo, Makati City).

I feel all right today, fashion-wise, and I look forward to have a restful sleep. And tomorrow, I might have another epiphany (hahaha!) and I might wear any of those unworn dresses/slacks/tops I bought the past months.

And yes, for us ladies, sometimes, fashion is the cure.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

60 to 30: Single

When your friend in Facebook changes his/her status from in a relationship to single, that causes a buzz.

You see it in "petty" fights between young couples. But to see someone who's almost 50 do it, it must be something - something childish, something immature, something unexplainable.

When you're the partner of that person, what would you do? Be abrupt too - change your status from engaged to single?

Considering previous instances that this person hurt you, this Facebook status change is the ultimate cue for you - you're better off with someone who's mature enough, and caring and understanding enough, to be human enough to tell to your face - and not course it through e-mail or freaking Facebook - that he/she no longer loves you, that he/she never loved you at all, that he/she is done with you, so f*** off.

But if you still believe there is hope, you can hang in there until that person learns to acknowlege you, be content with you, and try to love you. Like how you hanged in there for four months and four days since that person dumped you - or 3 years, 2 months, and 8 days of believing that what you're sharing with this person is all worth it.

It's your choice. The best to do now is to hang in there for your dear life - not for his or hers.

I'm hanging on to my dear life ....

Thursday, September 16, 2010

60 to 30: From Deadlines to Dresses

 I blogged I'd start with daily blogging starting September 12 to November 10 - but since Monday, I wasn't able to.

For updates:

Work. I had deadlines to beat ang glad I beat them.

I rediscovered I still have the knack to discuss confidently about personal finance, which I shared with my team mates yesterday - and I will share here in detail in the coming days.

Vacation Leave - NOT! I was supposed to be on vacation leave today but spent it in agitation and frustration over how poor the public service system and the customer service of the giant mall brand here - and I experienced both today. I'm too exhausted now to detail, but I owe myself to blog about them, as today's really a test of patience for me - and I failed it.

Fit-ty Me. What I'm excited about now is - I bought my fitness companion, and I'll assemble it later. And I'm christening my Ab Rocket - Abbie. Yey!

And when I had my weight checked at a health kiosk, I weight 129! That's 1 or 3 pounds less since I last checked more than a month ago!!! That's still normal for my built but I want to lose four pounds more in 1 month! And get rid of the flabby tummy.

Abbie the Ab Rocket

Dress Success. Yes! Despite the overpass climb, the jeepney commute, and the long day of standing and walking, I pulled off this Collezione Philippine Map dresss shirt! I first wore this with a maong shorts that's just below the knees. But today, I wore it as it is, whew. Though I'm still conscious about the tummy, but good thing this is black. I bought another dress last Tuesday and I do hope I'd be able to wear it with more confidence.

At a fitting room earlier

There goes my updates. Back to work tomorrow and another deadline-beating day so I have to call it a night. And I must stick to my 60 to 30 mission.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

60 to 30: Fit to Fab

Today begins my commitment to blog daily, up to November 10, 2010 - a total of 60 days.

Today marks the start of life-changing, lifestyle-modifying to dos to improve my quality of life.

Actually, I am happy to share that I'm on my third week now of working out using instructional VCDs (yes, VCDs as I couldn't find workout kits in DVDs). I started with warm ups, the circuit routine, and cool downs last August 31. This is my numbers 3 and 4 to do before 2010 ends.

On September 4, I bought this Firm, Flat Abs in 4 weeks - the workout designed by Violet Zaki for Self magazine plus the Hip Hop Aerobics VCD. I tried them both  and yes I felt so energized after. Although, I keep working out with Zaki's fab abs workout as I find it really challenging and tummy-busting and sweat-inducing (boy, just the warm ups and I'm perspiring a lot already!)

Also, me, a dear friend, and a teammate from work did hip hop abs on September 2, and I am happy to report that I'm able to do the routines and yes I can dance hip hop! Looking forward to another hip hop abs session with them (and this dear friend committed to cook yummy dishes after our work outs!)

Yesterday, I made a reservation at  Toby's Sports for the Ab Rocket equipment. I read reviews about it and similar product, Total Core, and I found more encouraging reviews for the former. Plus, it fully supports the back and the neck which easily get strain doing those crunches and sit ups. I will pick it up on Thursday and hopefully, I will be able to extend my workout from every other day to daily.

What this obsession with fitness? It's not obsession, it's high time that for my age I workout/exercise regularly to improve my metabolism, strengthen my core, full blast my stamina, and yes, I want to get back to my previous, slim features (not exactly the weight as I am underweight then for my frame). So this is the start.

Apart from working out at home, I also like to jog again, as it is a different high when you jog out in an open field and see fellow joggers sweat and get fab.

I will keep you updated and see if my working out is making me fit and fab.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Loving Myself

Our Wednesday's sharing insight session shook me from these months of uncertainties.

Our team leader shared that she lives by these words:

I am too blessed to be stressed.

I am anointed to be disappointed.

Failure is not God's rejection but rather His redirection.

= = = = =
Still from our sharing insight session, a couple of teammates shared that it's best, more acceptable, to be criticized by someone who truly knows us. Albeit more hurtful, he/she is the person to knock our heads and advise us on things that troubling us.

An anonymous blogger/reader left a comment on my Monday, September 6 entry, saying if I'm numb not to realize that person I was referring to in my post no longer likes me. I rejected the comment since while he/she is right, he/she doesn't know me well to sound like it's too easy to give up on the fight I'm into now.
I'm not giving up on the fight.
However, I am loving myself back. I neglected myself the past months, or I say years, when I turned my back on possible opportunities and to achieve my dreams in exchange for supposed chance of loving and living my life with the one I love.
For now, I am gathering strength, working my hardest, filling my wallet, and my bank account, to achieve the things I wasn't able to enjoy when money was a major concern. I am blessed on this aspect at the moment, and I will use this blessing to start the path to love myself - more.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Thinning Thread

What else is there to do:

When you accepted it's your fault (even if not)?

When you pleaded so many times but your pleas are just falling on deaf ears?

When many times you humbled yourself, asked for forgiveness, when you're the one who's aggrieved?

When you suffered countless depressed nights of stifled crying and wailing, when the rest of the world continues to live on?

When you risked your sanity harboring ill thoughts to end your suffering or failed your health on occasions, but you still chose to stand up, continue, and fight?

Is it still worth fighting for? When you're back to harboring ill thoughts to end your suffering, when after so many struggles you managed to slowly, steadily, piece back your broken self? And still mending your broken self?  

The thread of hope is running thin.

Should you continue spinning to see if something beautiful would come out of what's left of this thinning thread?

Should I still remain here? Pleading? Waiting? And let my self break into so many pieces again?